DATELINE: Cincinnati, OH March 12, 2019

A caravan of migrant squirrels from Mexico (or possibly, Pittsburgh) has amassed outside of our privacy fence. They are seeking both asylum and orange peels.

The crisis began to unfold on January 20th when, for my birthday,  my left-leaning Kate gave me three bird feeders, a one-thousand-pound bag of bird seed and dozens of containers of suet. I have no idea what suet is, but apparently, birds find it yummy.

Within days our backyard became a feathered wonderland, prompting Kate to add a heated bird bath while expanding the number of feeders. We soon noticed that, in addition to the birds, our seed-covered backyard began to attract squirrels. Not wanting the squirrels to feel deprived, my squirrel-appeasing wife purchased bags of dried corn cobs, hundreds of pounds of peanuts, blankets, socks and a wheel-of-fortune contraption that is used to both feed and entertain squirrels, marmots and other small rodents.

Today, because of Kate’s irresponsible actions, we have a crisis of epic proportion as hoards of violent, undocumented, migrant Mexican squirrels are pouring over our fence, mostly to take a spin on the corn wheel-of-fortune. These squirrels are “bad hombres.” It’s been reported that a gang from Juarez attacked a family of goldfinches that was vacationing in the heated bird bath.  These migrant squirrels are bringing diseases. Many are criminals (I found one illegal trying to hot-wire my Honda Fit).  They are taking valuable nut collecting jobs away from our native-born squirrels. And, not surprisingly, many of these illegal Mexican migrants enter our backyard with serious drinking problems.

Today, I declared a state of emergency in our backyard. I requested that the corn wheel-of-fortune be dismantled and that money from our family budget be re-directed from premium Nespresso Coffee Pods to building a geodesic dome over our backyard. It is imperative that we BUILD THAT DOME in order to prevent these undocumented, migrant, vicious, tequila-swilling, bird-bath threatening squirrels from destroying everything that we hold dear.

Not surprisingly, Kate, who controls ALL chambers of our house, vetoed my request for Geodesic Dome Funding. However, in a rare show of compromise, she has agreed to retrain the pugs to provide security around the heated bird bath.

We will continue to follow this Breaking News as it unfolds.