Those of us who toil in the fields of the American farm have been the backbone of this country since its founding.

Unlike my fellow agri-millionaires, I came to farming recently. What some cynics might call an accident, I call divine providence as the horse corn we fed our backyard squirrels found its way into our nutrient-rich soil.  By mid-summer, my small plot of land had blossomed into an Iowan Field of Dreams (“If the squirrels build its, they will come”).

Apropos the old saying “knee-high by the third week of August, give or take,” my fields were soon awash in beautiful, yellow corn.

That’s when I realized I was being called to a higher purpose. I sold my wife, our multiple Smart-TVs, 5 of our 6 Nespresso Coffee Makers, our 35+ Apple gadgets, most of our shoes and our pugs, in order to afford my first John Deere combine. I got the largest, bad-ass combine, weighing 53,000 pounds, with a 12-row folding corn head and 350 bushel capacity.

I had a surprisingly high yield out of my first field of corn. Unfortunately, because of the trade war with China, I’ve been unable to find a market for my product. That’s why I’m grateful to President Trump for his generous $16B bailout for farmers like me.  Through his Market Facilitation Program, to which I’ve applied, I’ll be able to recoup anywhere from $15 to $150 per acre. Based on my current acreage, the program will net me between $2.71 to $21.71. While not nearly as much as the million dollar payouts some of my fellow farmers have already received, it will be sufficient to sustain me until the spring planting.  At least I won’t have to worry about feeding a wife or two pugs.

Understanding the importance of crop rotation to maintain soil nutrition, next spring I’m planning to plant either soy beans or gluten. And, of course, I will be applying for my bailout check.